Vulnerable, not victorious.

My loyal LHS Club I train on Thursday mornings gave me the idea to blog this adventure; The Lift Heavy Shit Club. (Thanks Sandi, Thanks Becky, Thanks Kristy) It clicked how much I'd enjoyed blogging through my pregnancy documenting the journey which by the way I'm turning into a Blurb book for Talon's first birthday. He'll have the entire pregnancy and his first year written in my crazy whacked out opinions forever in a book. I give credit to Lori for the inspiration of the title of this blog. Recruit the Glute...it's going to find more than one meaning now! Maybe I'll inspire others to learn how to literally recruit their glute....because I only talk about it every single class I teach!

About a month ago after months of searching for focus, I returned to the idea of training for a fitness show. I would actually do "physique" based on my height and musculature. Throw in that I enjoy writing so blogging about this journey seemed like the accountability and catharic space I will need.

Training for a fitness show still scares the bejeezus out of me which is probably why it's always been on my list but I'd never done it. I'd gotten ants in my pants several years ago and lasted less than a week on the damn nutrition plan. It was something ridiculous like 1200 calories a day and I knew my 5'9" badonkadonk had no binizz being on 1200 calories a day for months on end. A few weeks ago, I took my idea to Bonnie, my Reiki Master. I needed someone to reel in me in, help me find balance, and figure out if I'm doing this for the right reasons.

If you followed me on Ahh Zookie Zookie, you will recall the enormous role Bonnie has in my life and will probably always. She told me I wasn't crazy and assured me I am in very good hands with Stacey Barta as my coach. Funny because I'm a personal trainer. I design exercise programs for a living and push people to their limits. Doesn't matter than I'm a trainer; I still need a supportive coach and an experienced eye. Bonnie told me that I have never trusted or believed in myself enough in the past. Our Reiki sessions will retrain my brain to believe, to trust, and to become empowered in what I can do with my body. I told her before it was always about the aesthetic appeal and glamour of fitness competitions. I'd get ripped and voila...instant awesomeness. External motives are so short fused. They don't last. Losing weight, changing yourself, as I teach everyday, must come from within that monster place. Finally...finally...I went to Stacey and Bonnie with internal motivations about being up on stage and thinking, "Fuck yeah, look what I did. I did it!"

But...I'm in an awkward place right now. This is not the post I thought I'd be starting. I thought the first post would be listing my perfectly tuned diet and beast workouts not "I'm in an awkward space..." I am lifting but my nutrition focus is blurry. I'm overwhelmed with the idea of going to Costco getting 28 oz of organic beef, 28 oz of organic chicken, and 96 eggs. That's just for one week then putting it all together..the meals, the tupperware, the cooler. It's work. It's work to put this all together. Ahhhhh, this is where Bonnie comes in; brain retrain, brain retrain. Trust. Believe. Envision. Bonnie said, "If you decide to commit, the emotional transformation you will endure will be extremely valuable." I concur. I want the transformation...can I do the work? After 12 weeks, I want to see where I am. I'm prepared to be vulnerable, I'm prepared to put it all out there in here. We all judge when someone fails but no one remembers how hard it is to change. So, I'm here. It'll get raw. Even now as I type, I still am not sure I can do it. Good thing I see Bonnie next week.

Current weight: 186lbs. I'm solid but leaning is necessary.

My workouts: 3 to 4 sets of 20 reps. (Killer.)

Monday: Chest/Shoulders
Tuesday: Legs
Wednesday: Biceps/Triceps
Friday: Legs/Plyos
Saturday: Back/Shoulders

Cardio: 6 days a week including classes I teach.

The BIG goal: Rocky Mountain Classic November 3, 2012.